Parenthood
by PeersHitInMoscow
Summary: A situational story of what would happen if Harley and The Joker had a kid. Sorry if the characters are OOC, it's my first time writing them. I don't know if I'm going to continue this. Rate and Review, please! :D


Basically a random bunch of fandom that spewed from my unholy mouth. I dunno, I might continue this. If I do, it's gonna be a series of random events that would happen if Harley and The Joker were parents of a kid.

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Harley was quite the manipulator when she wanted something. She learned the ancient art when she was quite young, batting her eyelashes at all of the rich boys, seducing her professors, convincing Dr. Arkham to let her work on the Joker case, even when she almost got married. But now, as she stood infront of the counter before bedtime, listening to the audible grumbles and chuckles coming from the "Scheme Room", she had an idea. Sure, having Mistah J around was great, and he was sheer perfection, but she wanted more. She wanted a family. A little Joker running around that they could raise together to be the heir to the great Joker legacy. It would be heaven. So, staring at the pill in her hand, she decided against taking it. For the next three months she continued doing so, until after much time and effort, she could seduce her Puddin' into having one of their playtimes.

Sure it was a long shot, but she figured that if it was meant to be, it would happen with just one try. Once they were all set and done, and her Puddin' had shoved her aside and went back to his work, as he usually did, little did Harley know that at that moment, a spark of life began.

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"_AAAAAAAUGH!" _There was that darned scream again. Sure, for the past four or so hours, he'd been able to drown it out. But it was becoming _very_ tiring. And _very_ counterproductive to his work. So he angrily set down his precious pencils and crayons on his purple leather top desk, and went to investigate the screams. If he wasn't torturing someone, or abusing Harley, why should there be screams? Surely screams lead to fun, and if there was fun, why wasn't he, The Joker, invited?

Finally after a quick scan of the Ha-Hacienda his hand lingered over a door knob. He waited until he heard another scream to confirm that this was indeed the source, and without any longer hesitation, he burst open the door.

"Who's having fun without m-..." The Joker's voice trailed off, dumbfounded and at a loss for words, when he saw the horrific sight. There was Harley, practically convulsing on the bed, with her hoo-ha displayed to a doctor. There was lots of blood and Harley's face was one of much more pain than he could have given her. If he could be honest, he was jealous. She was being tortured and he wasn't invited. Plus, this "doctor" seemed to be causing more pain than he could without even _touching her, _plus, he was sitting front row and center to what was _his!_ The Joker stood there, fuming. Swiftly he encroached up upon Harley, making it to her side in four graceful steps. She looked up with tear stained cheeks and a grimace on her face, but upon seeing him her grimace was pulled into a slight smile.

"P-Puddin, you came!" she said as though it was an immense effort to stay in control enough to say those words. The Joker stared at her, confused.

Petting her disgruntled hair, sickly sweet words oozed out of his mouth, "Came, for what, Pooh?" He began, and before giving her a chance to answer, he followed up the question with another question, "Harleykins, why is there a man staring at your hoo-ha? And more importantly, if you're in so much pain, why...wasn't...I...invited? I'm the one who decides when you laugh or cry or scream in pain! You're mine and mine alone, Harley Quinn!" During this, his grip in Harley's hair tightened immensely, and then he screwed her face to look into his livid, purple, glaring eyes while his voice slowly raised to a scream.

Then, Harley did something that was unexpected, she talked -no- yelled back. "Well here I was hoping you'd FINALLY stroll in here for the birth of YOUR CHILD, but NO! You don't even know what's going on! You didn't even notice I was pregnant, or ignored tha fact! You just told me that I was "getting fat", You're such a JERK!" Fresh tears formed at her eyes as her angry glare melted away to regret and a hope for acceptance. "I-I'm sorry, Puddin', I'm only yours, you and I both know that, but I need the doctor here, I can't do it myself...and in a way, it is kind of like you caused me this pain, because without you, this wouldn't have been possible." Her baby blue eyes stared imploringly into his deep purple ones, begging for forgiveness for her outburst.

He, on the otherhand, was somewhere else completely. He was thinking about how it was partially his fault that she was in this pain. He also thought about the doctor, still staring at her private area, occassionally giving her words of comfort, and that still bothered him. But he also thought she was on the pill. Yet before he went to attend to the doctor, he bent down to Harley, whispering in her ear, "You clever little minx..." she had manipulated him into doing something that he didn't want to do, again, but that would be dealt with later.

Gracefully he stepped behind the doctor, who had been producing a cold sweat ever since The Joker had come into the room. Sure, he was the underground doctor that criminals tended to visit when they couldn't fix themselves, but when dealing with The Joker, it was always scary. He tried to avoid doing such a task as much as possible, and his workload with him had been greatly lifted since Harley came into the picture, since she _was_ a doctor and could usually fix up cuts, scrapes, and the occassional bullet wound. Still, when Harley had frantically called him, panting in pain, using sugar-coated pleads, he couldn't say no. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice The Joker curiously standing over his shoulder, observing him work.

The Joker was staring at the doctor work expertly. Well, mostly he was just sitting there, hands at her crotch, waiting for some magical fairy to pop out from the hole that seemed much larger than usual. It was then he decided that he could do this louse's job, leaning down to the doctors ear and chillingly whispering, "Mind if I step in, Doc?"

The doctor jumped in fright, and quickly evacuated the chair. If The Joker wanted to do this, he wasn't going to be in his way. Quickly The Joker plopped himself into the chair, pulling some latex gloves on over his leather ones, and fixed his face with a raw look of determination at his task.

As though it was magically commanded by The Joker's determination, the baby suddenly crowned. Within five quick minutes, the baby was out.

Nervously, the doctor held up a pair of scissors, realizing that he was about to offer then to a psychopath, then stopped himself. "S-shall I c-cut the umbilical cord," he stammered.

Cradling the baby in his arms, thinking about how this brought him back to the fun he had at No Man's Land, he looked to the doctor with a boyish look of childish mirth. "In fact, I have a better idea," he swiftly brought the doctor's head down with an elbow the the back of the head, and then proceeded to strangle the doctor with the baby's umbilical cord. Once the doctor has grasping for his last breaths, the Joker took the scissors from his limp hands. "I think this decision should be up to the baby," and, placing the scissors into the baby's tiny hands, to which the baby's response was to greedily grab them as best as it could, The Joker aided in bringing the scissors down to where the umbilical cord was wrapped around the doctors neck, and opening the scissors, sliced straight though the umbilical cord, and the doctor's neck.

It was going to take a while for a new doctor to want to cater to the criminal underworld, and the thought of seeing the other rogues, weak and battered, trying to go up against Batsy, made The Joker laughed with glee. "Well, I'd say that was a team effort, good job, kiddo."

Then, unexpectedly,the baby stared up into the Joker's face and it's mouth opened and from it's little mouth, it's first sound to the world emerged. To Harley and The Joker's surprise, it was a glorious little giggle. Harley couldn't have pictured a more adorable moment, her Daddy-newly-made-real-Daddy and her precious new child sharing a laugh together.

"Okay Harley, it can stay" The Joker said, as though he was letting Harley keep a stray cat. "Oh, by the way, it's a girl."

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Rate and review, please! It really makes me day! And uh, maybe throw in some suggestions for names / appearances in there, too? I'm thinking something like Danielle, Charlotte, or even Robin, just to mess with Batsy a bit. But I dunno, and I'm still experimenting with her appearance in drawings. So help would be greatly appreciated! :D


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